i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
