I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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