you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
