I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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