Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
