I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
