We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i've created a new STD.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
