Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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