Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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