The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
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His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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