If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
