He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
