The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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