Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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