first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
