I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
