This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
