I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
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I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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