How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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