so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
