At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
