explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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