im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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