I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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