He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
