There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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