we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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