Swine flu. Run for my life!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
