Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
being pregnant is like rehab
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
