I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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