I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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