You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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