Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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