somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
