Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
