u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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