Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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