I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
