he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
