Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
