I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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