The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
