I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
