So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
