I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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