Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
