All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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