I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
