Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
