1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
