i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
