you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
