i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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